Joining us in the What Ails You guest sit is a power couple whose marriage is an inspiration to many. Bro. Bboy and Sis Rachel Arguelles puts an end to all the marriage biases of the world and shares with us what couples can do to overcome what ails their marriage.
Anchored on the teaching of St. John Paul on Theology of the Body, they shared with us that our bodies, how God created us, will reveal to us God and His perfect and great plan for us. He made clear and simple our identity as persons, being man and woman, and the purpose this brings to our relationships, including marriage.
The transcript is available below the video.
Transcript
ROBERT LABAYEN
Hi brothers and sisters, we’re back for another episode of “What Ails You?” This online series is part of our anniversary celebration with the theme, Heal the World for Christ. I’m your host, Robert Labayen, journeying with you on this path to healing.
Last time we had with us our brother Shok Ariola on Zoom from Canada. He talked about what ails the environment, and what the Catholic Church is teaching on how we can protect and save and care for God’s creation. Our actions today are urgent and very important because what we do today will impact the state of our environment for many generations. So this is how we heal the environment.
But for now, we’re talking about how we will heal our marriages.
What ails your marriage? With that question, I’m excited to introduce to you our guests for today. Yes, it’s an S because we have a husband and wife here with us. They will talk about the challenges to marital life and how we can enhance our marriages.
Brothers and sisters, I’m happy to present to you our brother from the International Council, Bro. Bboy Arguelles and wife Rachel. Hi brother Bboy, sister Rachel.
BBOY ARGUELLES
Thank you very much brother Robert, Rachel and I were very happy to be here to share our views about marriage and what we can do to heal our relationship with God.
ROBERT
It’s true that many members of CFC look up to you as role models, especially the young couples that we have. So many people are excited to hear about what you can share.
So how have you been?
RACHEL ARGUELLES
We’re doing good, usual, taking care of the kids, cooking meals three times a day, taking care of the garden, washing clothes, what else?
BBOY
A lot of things.
RACHEL
A lot of other things.
ROBERT
You share in the washing of the clothes?
BBOY
Yes. At times, at times.
RACHEL
Even the mopping of the floor.
BBOY
That’s my expertise.
RACHEL
Yeah.
ROBERT
So good to hear that you’ve been here in Manila for the past two years. You didn’t go out of the country?
RACHEL
Yeah, we just stayed here.
ROBERT
Okay, so let’s jumpstart this exciting conversation. Let’s begin with your love story.
BBOY
We’ve been married for 25 years. We have four sons. We met in Singles for Christ, but then realized that we could have met earlier.
RACHEL
Yeah, because both his grandparents were very good friends of my grandmother with whom I grew up with.
BBOY
And to add, we went to the same college, probably on the same bus, and we belonged to the same active political party in college, in the same university. And we have numerous friends who were pretty surprised to find out that we got married when, in fact, they never knew that we knew each other. But only in CFC did I notice her. SFC. Yeah, that’s right. Did I notice her.
ROBERT
Then you must be very grateful that there was already an SFC community at that time.
RACHEL
Well yes, yes of course, definitely. But, you know, we met in February of 1996. Listen well—got together in March 1996. And because the Holy Spirit did not allow me to sleep that day, and telling me that we had to date exclusively already… Then what happened next?
ROBERT
Do you want to share it?
BBOY
Yeah, we met in February. We got together in March. We got engaged in June.
RACHEL
Where?
ROBERT
What? The same year?
BBOY
Yes. I proposed to her in the kitchen because that’s the nearest part of the house.
ROBERT
That’s the best place to propose.
BBOY
Yeah. And then we got married in December of the same year, 1996.
ROBERT
Wow.
RACHEL
I had friends, you know, who sort of warned me or warned us of this very short engagement or getting-to-know-you part. nd even in community, we have some sisters who gave that hint to me also.
BBOY
But I would say the whispers of the Holy Spirit gave us the courage. During that time, fresh out of college, because it took me years to finish college. But my mind and heart are ready. Don’t ask me anymore how long it took me to finish college. So with the blessing of our parents, here we are right now. Here. Married.
RACHEL
Married. 25 years married.
ROBERT
Wow. Congratulations for 25 years. And I’m sure that even though it was fast, I think we’re just not used to that kind of pace, but it all turned out well. You are happily married and you have a happy family.
ROBERT
Yeah. So we could say that SFC is really a blessing to us. If you’re going to ask us, was it easy to coming from Singles for Christ? Yes, we would say it helped us because we knew we could go to people and to community where they helped to form us. But just the same, we faced so many challenges that I would say any couple would be facing, or are facing. Our family of origins were quite different. So we had to find our way to build our own family culture based on our faith. But I would say immensely influenced by other families.
RACHEL
You know, we clashed several times at the start of our marriage. And I came from a broken family. My father left us when I was six years old and I believe it wounded me so much. So in our early years, whenever we fight, separation was always an option for me.
And then I grew up without a father. And at the back of my mind, I was saying, I can do it on my own too, even though we had kids at the time already. And I was telling myself, why work hard on this relationship? But, you know, being in CFC, there was a constant reminder of God’s plan, reminding us always our whys, why we got married and why we are there.
And of course, we were surrounded by amazing role models. But one day, Bboy lovingly requested me to completely and forever drop the option for separation. And whenever we get into that situation suddenly, because, you know, at that time, I remember how his face was, his eyes.
I saw his sincerity and I recognized his pain whenever I would, you know, ask for a separation because of little things or even big things. Since then, I actively prayed for it. And then suddenly I just stopped saying it.
ROBERT
Thank you, Sis. Rachel, for opening up, for sharing it. Maybe it reminds us that even though we’re already in CFC. Were you already in CFC at that time?
RACHEL
Yes, yes.
ROBERT
Okay. It doesn’t mean that our marriages are already perfect. There’s still work in progress that we have to, you know, to continue to strengthen. And brother Bboy, how were you inspired or what led you to, what made you finally tell Sis. Rachel to drop the option for separation?
BBOY
Actually, being a man, it’s not easy for that to take action, I would say. But I would always remember that maybe coming from what my parents were telling us that once you got, you get married, then it has to be forever. But I would say it’s also good to talk about in terms of the evil one, always be giddy at the thought of breaking marriages apart.
Because every marriage is part of God’s plan. And I would say the devil used Rachel’s woundedness in that situation. And it always pained me whenever she mentions it. I pursued and married her because she was the one I discerned and decided to spend the rest of my life. Definitely, there are the pains that I have to go through that. But I also felt her pain as she was also a victim of her past. But looking back, I’m very grateful to God’s grace that I never gave in.
RACHEL
You know, God taught me and makes me feel till today what authentic love is through Bboy. That you love in spite of and despite of, no matter what. In Tagalog, kinikilig pa din ako kapag nakikita ko siya (I still feel giddy whenever I see him). Or in English, in the Korean novellas, my heart still flutters at the sight of my husband. (laughs)
BBOY
Actually, that’s every day (laughing). At times when I was sleeping, I just woke up and then I would see her looking at my face. But to continue—our courtship, our engagement were relatively short. But God’s providence was very much felt because we accepted that this is part of God’s plan.
As we submit more to His will, we are blessed more to understand our purpose as a couple.
ROBERT
You know, you’re making all the people in the studio kilig tonight. But let me repeat what Sis. Rachel said, that you love each other in spite of everything, no matter what.
And even though you go through so many challenges, which is normal in any marriage, sticking together is a decision that we have to make. We know that many people today don’t have that much respect for the sacrament anymore. They also see the lives of famous people, celebrities whose marriages end so quickly.
In fact, there’s a saying now among young people that “walang forever, maghihiwalay lang yan!” (forever doesn’t exist, they’ll just separate someday!). That’s what they say. So how do we address this challenge to the sacrament? What ails marriages?
BBOY
You might want to answer that initially.
RACHEL
It was not a smooth sailing journey of discovery for us. And eventually, as we encountered CFCs through our changing households, you know how we are in community, I realized that they were also facing challenges.
BBOY
But just like us, they were all working and praying for their marriages.
Then we realized that every marriage will be challenged at some point, or even constantly challenged. It’s just at times we are not really aware of, or we take them with a grain of salt. How it will affect the relationship varies depending on many factors, I would say.
We have errors that can trigger it like communication, finances, career. Even friends, extended families, even children, intimacy, and the list can go on and on. And if we combine it, I would say with the individual situation, things can mesh and create even bigger challenges.
RACHEL
Let’s say you’re having a bad day at work or even at home, and then a financial problem comes.
Handling this financial concern will be different when everything was going on well that day. And this is true for every challenge or problem that any married couple would face.
BBOY
And realize that our culture as well is being shaped to even question the very definition of many things about our faith, and this includes marriage.
And this did not just happen in a year or even in a few years. It happened over centuries—covering, I would say, many generations. And imagine how much change time has brought to our culture and the effect it has on our lives.
When we ask what is marriage, we are developing, I would say, a blurred version of how we are as God’s creation. And we are supposed to be created in God’s image and likeness, and that includes our specific identity as man and woman. Anchored reality is also God’s original plan and purpose for marriage.
That’s why if you blur the vision for identity, so goes the original plan and the purpose for marriage. And there is nowhere else to go but at the beginning, at the time of creation, when all things started. So we’ll be reminded of our identity as His imago Dei, and then understand, appreciate, and accept His original and sacred plan.
And this is exactly what the teaching of St. John Paul II on theology of the body would tell us. Our bodies, how God created us, will reveal to us that His perfect and great plan for us. He made it clear and simple, our identity as persons—being man and woman—and the purpose this brings to our relationships, including our marriages.
ROBERT
We know that culture keeps on changing, it keeps becoming more modern, and so it influences the way we look at marriage. And we forget the original purpose or image of man and woman. Can you share on that aspect of the uniqueness of man and woman?
RACHEL
Bro. Robert, I will ask you to complete this statement.
Man and woman are the same, different, or same and different?
ROBERT
Okay, I guess a same and different. I think that’s a safe answer.
RACHEL
Yes, yes. Very good, very good. Yes, we are the same and different. And I would like to put emphasis on the word “and.”
We are both persons, different from all of God’s creation, but we are also different. And this part of being different is what can make or break any relationship. We have many quotations made by wise people on unity in diversity, and that there is power in diversity.
You know, Stephen Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, always say: “strength lies in differences, not in similarities.” And nature affirms this. Following God’s wisdom in creating man and woman for marriage, their differences and uniqueness are meant to unite them and make them powerful.
BBOY
Maybe to add, imagine the power to be God’s co-creators, to nurture children and contribute to humanity. No one in creation did God bestow this blessing and opportunity but to man and woman through marriage and through their uniqueness. Basic, however, is to accept that we are imago Dei, created in God’s image and likeness.
If we go back again to the story of creation, when God created everything on the first five days, He always looked at everything and said that all He made is good. But on the sixth day, after man’s creation, God said, very good. Not to boast, but we are set apart, and reality is we are God’s beloved.
Unlike angels with pure spirits and animals with only body, we human persons both have body and spirit.
ROBERT
So imago Dei, it means created in God’s image and likeness. That’s something that we have to remind ourselves about, right?
RACHEL
Yes, Bro. Robert, that’s something even I have to tell myself time and again in anything I do.
But you know, in another account of that creation story in Genesis 2, we know that when God saw Adam alone, He said that it is not good because it is not good for Adam to be alone or for man to be alone. So He created Eve, a woman, not another man. And what did Adam say upon seeing Eve? “At last.”
Imagine that word, at last. You know, whenever I read this part of the Bible, I compare this to the time Bboy first laid his eyes on me in that SFC gathering 25 years ago. How his eyes twinkled and said, “at last.”
BBOY
With feelings. (laughs0
RACHEL
Yeah, with feelings. Kinikilig ako.
ROBERT
Yeah, I can still see the twinkle in your eyes. You know why it happens? The eyes twinkle because when you’re emotional, you shed some fluids in your eyes and they become, you know, they twinkle. They literally twinkle. It’s not a figure of speech. It’s true. And I can see it tonight.
So when when God said that it is not good for man to be alone, He already knew from the very start our deepest needs, that we really need a partner in life. Is that right?
RACHEL
Yes. When, you know, God made woman to be man’s “Ezer” or helper.
You know, the word “Ezer” in the Bible referred to someone who saves or who saved, or someone from whom other nations at the time during those wars sought help to be strengthened. Therefore, helper is not meant to be someone inferior as our current culture dictates. Eve as “Ezra “Ezer” was meant to save Adam from loneliness, from absurdity. Because, you know, woman was meant to be someone who strengthens, encourages, and saves man.
ROBERT
I like that part. The role of the woman is to strengthen, to encourage and to save man. I hope brothers and sisters are listening well to that part.
BBOY
Yeah, that’s very beautiful, actually, how God is stating the purpose of a woman, because man alone existing does not make sense. Is there anything in God’s creation that is like us? When God created woman, the “Ezer”, it all becomes clear. Man and woman are meant for union and communion.
This reveals and clarifies our purpose in marriage. So as I accept my God-given identity as a man and who Rachel is as my “Ezer”, the more we understand how we can be a gift to each other through our union and that our marriage, and I would say all marriages, is worth working hard for.
So we now see the high purpose of marriage. All over the world, people often feel that diversity or differences becomes a stumbling block in unity or being able to work well. But again, as Stephen Covey made the earlier statement to convey the importance, that there are also opportunities in differences. In fact, to him, it is where strength can be drawn.
This is what Joseph Sugarman also meant. He’s actually a prominent American entrepreneur. When he pointed out each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs a problem.
The greatest success stories were created by people who recognize a problem and turn that into an opportunity. We apply the differences of man and woman and treat this as an opportunity, not a problem.
RACHEL
I have an example. That is what we call the tunnel and funnel vision of man and woman.
Who do you think has the tunnel vision or the funnel vision? This characteristic has its basis on how the brain is of man and woman. While they show to us how we as man and woman think differently, they also open the doors for a greater appreciation of being a man and being a woman.
Scientists recently have discovered approximately 100 gender differences in the brain alone. This may help us explain why men do well in tasks requiring more local processing, like mathematics, while women on information assimilation, which requires integration of brain centers, like learning of a new language. To simplify, men’s brain is compartmentalized, making them concentrate on one thing at a time.
If a man is shaving and you talk to him, he might cut himself or even blame you for that. It happened to me before. If he was hammering and somebody rings the doorbell, there is a great probability that he will hit his finger.
But this uniqueness of man makes them…
ROBERT
You can do it on purpose.
RACHEL
I didn’t do that on purpose. It’s difficult when there are two men and one woman in the set.
But this uniqueness of man makes them excel in highly task-focused projects. On the other hand, women are great multitaskers and quick to transition between tasks.
BBOY
That’s why Rachel can actually wash the clothes and at the same time iron them (laughs).
ROBERT
Special abilities. I like what you said. That’s very scientific, because I like science, but not math, even though you said that men are supposed to be good in math. There are differences, of course, because, for example, my wife, Ging, and I are different. When we were building the house, Ging was the foreman. She was supervising the construction of the house. And after it was built, I was the interior decorator. So I’m the artistic type. And I agree with you that with differences, we complement each other, and we also begin to appreciate each other more.
RACHEL
That’s why for me and Bboy also, we realized that this is a gift, being different. Since he is so good with this focus-oriented task, and I am not, we somehow fill up each other’s weakness or our shortcomings. But let our giftedness complement and help each other.
This is an affirmation of the church teaching that man and woman is a match made in heaven. Our differences, when put together, can be a blessing to each other and to many.
BBOY
Well, there would be decades of debates as early as 1916, based on our research, on which sex is more intelligent.
It was only in 2007 that Richard Heyer, he’s an American psychologist, he said that general intelligence does not differ between men and women. Human evolution has created two different types of brains designed for equally intelligent behavior. So let us be grateful for our similarities, but let us celebrate as well our differences.
Working together definitely is the key. As Henry Ford said, coming together is the beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is success.
— END OF PART 1 —
